"Trying" Teenagers

The one thing that happens as your business continues over a span of time, is you watch your customers (and I am sure they watch me) aging. My twenty-something and over customers are fun to follow along their life changes as they fall in love, plan their weddings, have babies. The youngsters are great to watch too. It is the teenage boy customers that seem to pull at the heart strings as I feel helpless in saving them through these tough years.

Two years ago, the group of neighborhood "street rats" who never had the ideal home life, used to come in and tell me about what they would be when they grew up. How they weren't going to be stupid and do drugs like other kids they knew. how they were going to be successful. That group has now split up, except for two of them, J & A.

J & A stop in once in awhile, as they wander the neighborhood and they are usually stoned. They tell me that their parents are mean to them and tell them they are worthless, when they've done "nothing wrong." J, who had a great paying job at fifteen now is unemployed at 18 and didn't pass the drug test for his next promising opportunity. "Dina, can I work for you?" he asks. I tell him that I will not employ someone who gets stoned. "But I won't do it at work!" is his defense. A, the other boy is his younger tag-along and idolizes J. I remain puzzled on what I can do, as the community coffeeshop owner that can make a difference in their lives.

Another of the street rat team came in 2 days ago - TT. I haven't seen him for quite some time and his voice had deepened and his demeanor had toughened. As a betting person, I wouldn't have bet a cent on TT. When he was younger I worried most for him, since his mother was a meth addict and he would relate stories that each time she was taken away and he thought she'd get treated, she was always released the next day. She was his "caretaker", but it was clear that he did the caring and she provided the roof.

When TT walked in the shop 2 days ago, and told me he wanted to show me something, he approached me with a formal greeting and a grim expression. I was afraid I was in for another tragic story. He then smiled as he set his new driver's permit on the counter. "Look! I passed the first time!" TT was accomplishing things on for himself despite the odds. He filled me in on his life since I hadn't seen him in months: Yes, he still lives with his mom who hasn't gotten help. No, he doesn't hang out with the street rats anymore since all they do is drugs. Well... he hasn't done anything bad for at least a month... I wrack my brain again on what more I can do for this boy.

Then there's Mr.K. The most charming boy ever in the shop who had grand ideas and grand plans and has made it to 17 with them all in tact. He'd always like to come in and run his ideas past me. And then he stopped. He just stopped coming in. Until one day he came in w/a new look and a new attitude. And it wasn't good. It was clear Mr. K came in because he needed some cheering up and he needed a friendly face. And as I was so busy with customers, Mr. K slipped back out after only a few words. Mr. K was not living at home anymore, had crashed a car, and life was upside down. He couldn't get along w/his parents anymore, and their boundaries were ridiculous in his eyes.

Today he was back in, and his smile was back in place, though his thoughts were now focused on the rebellion with his parents instead of his dreams of the future. He was fighting the accusations that he was a "bad kid" and he was going to hell. We talked about the way he sees things separate from his parents and he feels justified in those beliefs. I reminded him to never prove his parents right and give in on the belief that he is bad.

Oh, how much these parents mean to these kids, because their whole life turns upside down without their acceptance. The boys act like they don't care what their parents think, but when they think they are being told they are "bad" they seem to believe it. And they give into it, and that's when they lose.

I search for the magic words to help these kids understand, and I search for the answers to mend these relationships and get them through, but I have none. And I had none when my son and I hit the same bumps. And I know, as a parent, I made SURE I did not condemn him or call him bad, but somehow that is what he heard.

Now I look at TT who had no parent guiding him through each day, and am so pleased that he is building a successful path. And as a coffeeshop mentor, TT gives me the easiest job. I know that I can work w/TT by giving him a free drink for each week he "doesn't do anything bad." And though I can't change his world, or the other kiddos' either, I will do what I can. I am always open to advice on how I can best help these kids.